I'll give it my all, why?

Because of one that the world will die,

and through another that the world will live,

Because of our sins that on the cross he laid to die,

that through his blood, eternally will I live,

Because of his grace that I will not shy,

and all of my heart to him I will give,

Because of his hope that will never run dry,

that I will never stop to believe,

Because of his love that is as vast as the sky,

and to this it fuels my life's motive,

Because he gave it all up for me,
I will give my all back to him.

Word of Life

The Word of God is not meant to bring shame and condemnation upon us, but of conviction which leads to the surrendering of our sinful nature;to bring it to death, and to embrace the nature of God who is joined with us in one spirit.

Desert days

Today I stumbled on some notes I took during a sermon a few years back, it was entitled " Do's and don't-s -- During your desert days ". I'm pretty sure everyone had a season of dryness, a season where nothing seems to be happening, where activity seem abuzz but satisfaction or purpose seem to be absent. Don't fret, here's a little something to help you along the way.

DON'T.....

1. Don't lose your balance
2. Don't make irreversible decisions during emotional low times, or rather, don't make rash decisions. 
3. Don't isolate yourself through disappointment!
4. Don't doubt in darkness what God has shown you in the light!
5. Don't lose your confidence in God
6. Don't lose your joy!
7. Don't stay in the corner through disappointment

DO....

1. Let your disappointment lead you to God
2. Make a quality decision to help people in need
3. Guard your emotional energy against emotional leaks
4. Use your desert time to get a clearer calling or goals
5. Cast your care upon God
6. Be patient with God and let patience complete it's perfect work
7. Realise that obstacles are part of God's purpose to mould and empower us

Dreams

.. we returned to the rally point. It was complete, our last job. We were greeted by an empty park which seemed silent beyond words.

" So, what are your plans after this? " I said.
" What else is there to plan, see my wife and kids obviously! I don't know about you, but this job made me realise that I can't be doing this forever. The thought of one day not being able to come home to see their warm smiles strikes a chord in me, " he muttered.
" Haha, Mr tough guy mellowing up eh, talking about the little devils, your kids are over there," I said toyingly.
" Oh, stop it you.. *ufff*.. Hey jack, how many times do i have to tell you not to head butt me on the family jewels ". He lifted his son up and proceeded to greet his wife and his daughter with one big hug. Fitting, for a man of his size. Sometimes I wonder of how'd he even find such a petite wife who seems to not mind his, well, rough mannerism.

" Good morning my dear, I hope this big brute here didn't get in the way of the assignment like he always does " as I was greeted by the warm smile of Marty's wife. "Like I always say Mary, he's the brains and I'm the brawn," as my partner tried to defend himself, only to be greeted with a playful belittling chuckle from his wife. They were madly in love with each other, it was pretty obvious to anyone who talked to them.
" Alright, shall we go and get ourselves some pancakes with the kids, Mary? We wouldn't want to take Wilson's precious time away. After all, he'd want to see his beloved wife doesn't he. hahahaha, " said Marty with a big hearty laugh.
" Good day to you then Wilson, do drop by for some dinner when you have the time " mentioned Mary.
I nodded and smiled as they made their way across the park towards their car.

" HEY WILSON! TAKE CARE BUDDY ", shouted Marty as he waved goodbye.

I strolled along the park, looking for that special spot where she would always be, waiting for me. With the sight of falling leaves everywhere, I realised that it was autumn which gave the park a rustic charm about it. Especially with the serene lake which covered the major portion of the park, reflecting the soft rays of sun, orchestrating a light display on the trees surrounding it.

There she was, fast asleep on the bench. She must've waited quite a while, I thought to myself. I proceeded to greet her with a soft whisper to her ears," Hey, it's time to wake up darling ". She proceeded to let out a long yawn, well, she wasn't exactly the most graceful person when it came to waking up.
" You sure did take your time ", she said while rubbing her eyes and giving a half yawn.
" Well the job this time was pretty tough, but it's fine, there aren't any more after this", I said as I looked into her eyes with a smile. She smiled back in acknowledgement. She had been waiting for this moment, all these years, the moment where we could just spend our days together forever without any worries of whether I'd be there to greet her at the same ol' spot in the park after each assignment.

We gazed at each other with our hands held tightly together, fearing that this moment was only a fleeting dream, we wanted this moment to last. From the first time I met her, I've always been attracted to her eyes. Those beautiful eyes which seemed so soft and inviting to gaze. Those eyes which make all wrongs to become right. Those tender eyes which makes you utter.. I'm home.

Just as we were prepared to make our way back, a mother and his son seemed to be looking at us with a searching gaze.
" Hey mum, I thought I saw two people here, where did they go? " said the son.
" It must be your imagination, there's no one here," said the mother. They walked away while looking back occasionally at where we were standing.

Our hearts sank. Time seemed to be running out. After all these hard years, couldn't we just spend some time together for once.
" We've lived that long huh," she said in a soft manner.
" I believe so, it's like we've become ghosts or phantoms," I said in a dejected manner.
" What if one day, I became invisible to you and we'd not be able to hold each other any more, nor can we talk to each other face to face, nor can we look at each other's eyes like we are doing right now, " she asked as tears started to roll down her cheeks.
" Even if that day were to come, I'd still love you with all my heart. I would come to this bench every day in every season in hopes that I'd see you here waiting for me," I said as tears started to stream down from my eyes as well. "After all, I'd be waiting expectantly for the messages through the phone because I know, you'll always be there" I added with a faint smile.

No more words were needed to explain the depth of love we had for each other. As we looked at each other, both teary eyed, we began to walk home, grasping our hands tightly, not wanting to let go, fearing that at any moment, we would disappear from each other's plain sight.

There we were, two phantoms of time, making our way up the stairways of the park, disappearing with each passing moment.

"Darling, I'll always love yo....", she said in the faintest voice. She was gone.

"Don't worry, I'll be there soon my love", I said, kneeling down in tears.

The heart so wretched

I felt the breeze of the mountain top,

The muddiness of life slowly washed away as the rain drop,

Life's why's, the if's and the what's

Traded in the serenity of a lonely tear drop.

As we make our way down from this stop,

Did we ever wonder what that muddiness was all about,

Striving each day to fulfil the never ending wants,

The joy of freedom for the chains of the world, we swap.

We read God's word like a mythical fable from Aesop,

Going to the words of comfort and treating it like how a fickle woman window-shop,

Avoiding the truth which we need to confront,

Confession of the downtrodden soul and the wretched heart.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God

As the Father's voice gives us a prod,

The soul laud, and the heart thaws.

For I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Anchored in Christ

Taken from Our Daily Bread, 15/8/2013.

We have an anchor that keeps the soul,
Steadfast and sure while the billows roll;
Fastened to the Rock which cannot move,
Grounded firm and deep in the Savior’s love.

Past & Present

So how has working been?

It's been about 3 months since I started out my job and these past few weeks has been an especially trying time for me in an emotional, social and spiritual sense. The whole phase of getting excited over starting a new step in my career was dying down on me which made me think that it's entirely normal for the majority of people working out there.

This "settling down" period scared me, I didn't believe in settling down for mediocrity especially with my high flying dreams and passions for my career. I was scared at the idea that one day, I would wake up dreading to go to work. I wanted to be constantly challenged at work, to encounter new things and experiences, to pave a way and lay the sturdiest foundations for my future. I demanded 110% from myself in work hours, to be as efficient as possible in doing all my tasks and to not miss a single thing, to not leave myself vulnerable to any possible mistakes at all in the work that I do, to learn all I can learn from any resource available to make myself better at this job.

All this left a heavy toll to my emotional and psychological well being. The feeling of wanting to be perfect in every job was born from the fact that I feared failures. To fear the future consequences and possibilities of failure. Next thing I knew, I was suffering from depression. It took me awhile to recognise this fact.

What was different in this period of time?

My outlook on life became more dim. I became alarmingly cynical of what people said and also what they did not say. I felt that people thought that all these "successful" things in my job made me a boastful person when I talk about it. I didn't feel like sharing these things any more cause it'd only make people spiteful right?
I didn't feel like talking about my job any more. Any queries to my job would be answered with the usual, "Yeah things are looking alright I guess".

Talking to God about these things made it momentarily fine, but the depression would just come flooding in again when I wake up. For the first time in awhile, I felt lonely.

It wasn't fun, it hurt. But being the egoistical man I am, I would never admit to such things. I mean c'mon, depression? depression are for pussies. Real men don't get depression.

But yeah, they do. I don't know what has changed for the past few days, but I'm getting better. In God's mercy and grace, I shall strive on.

This whole experience made me relate to the psalm 143 written by David.

Perhaps, all this experience is a fulfilment to the prayer of making me like David, a man after God's own heart.

Selah

It's the second day of chinese new year, and I'm already feeling mentally and physically drained.

Such a wet towel right? haha. I totally felt like a introvert today, fighting the never ceasing urge to be alone in my room but refused to do so as to join in the festivities of the season. 

I don't know what I was lacking today, but I sure found it again in the Lord.

As I raised my hands in worship alone, His presence overflowed, and I felt alright again.

It's unexplainable, it's almost magical but it ain't no trick.

I don't want to sound like a religious nut but I guess I am if you can't see the view of everything from here. (not in a physical sense)

It's amazing. Purely amazing. 

Funny (Or maybe I'm funny for thinking I can see Him) that I can never get to see how He looks like when I think of Him; There's so many images of Jesus's face all over the media. 

But if there's one thing I can see, it's His smile when I seek Him in my secret place.

I can't explain it but maybe this verse can.

Psalms 91:1-2

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

That's a wrap

I don't remember what it was like 
To look in your eyes, and feel the love 
Feel no surprise, for it was enough

- What have I done by Joshua Hyslop

Listening to songs whilst sipping a cup of coffee, feeling the urge to write something yet no inspiration comes forth, reminiscing but finally am ready to move on. 

Opening my heart to future possibilities, opening my thoughts to endless fruitful ideas.

Leaving the baggage of the past, accepting them as things that were never meant to be.

To seek self improvement, not for anyone's sake, but for His glory alone. 

“Forget the former things;   
 do not dwell on the past.
 See, I am doing a new thing!    
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. "                   

 -Isaiah 43:18-19

Stopped and looked at myself baffled,

that I found myself in an endless spiral of denial. 

Black monologue

Staring at the ceiling, waiting as the clock ticks.

Drained from the day, cancelled my appointments.

Weeks of preparation, balls of paper fill the bin,

Just for a hope of a short glimpse which didn't happen.

I might be over thinking matters, I might not.

Frequency doesn't mean anything, does it?

Would it make things easier if I didn't go for the many things?

I guess it doesn't matter, I just happened to be there.

I suppose the friendship's the same, I just happened to know the same people.

It's been this way since the first day,

What else am I suppose to say other than it's okay?

Despite the mask of a smile and thoughtless jokes, it hurts a lot inside. 

To love is to be vulnerable? But being vulnerable doesn't mean a person should take that for granted.

I'm tired of things they way they are already, they never do change.

My heart is in pieces, and fragments of it will remain here,

But I suppose I'll have to leave those fragments behind, to seek a new beginning. 

It's hard to say goodbye, but it's something I might have to do. 

Forlorn

To what limits do you satisfy the lust for the world,
When all the truths are just burled,
Masked by lies laid as rampant as the ocean waves swirl.

To what ends do you hold on,
When all that you believe in..is just a con,
Hope asunder; cries unheard till the morning dawn,

Pain which rips apart the heart already so..so torn.
Nobody there who understands the road you have gone,
Or perhaps the empty façade and forced smile drawn.

Saying to yourself....just smile and carry on..

To your first love you have forgone,
The everlasting Hope in which the world was built on since eons,
His love for you; He has never withdrawn,
"Come back to me"..He whispers.. true joy to you.. I will bestow upon.

My heart breaks for those that have turned their back on Him, yet he always waits, for the day that the lost shall call upon Him again.

Petición

Hearts asunder,

Words a blunder,

The torn gets a snicker,

By believers through slander.

Efforts totter,

As hopes stutter,

The steward in sombre,

By the words of a believing prater.

Wake up, wake up, oh you foolish slumberer,

I plead to you as a repentant brother,

Don't you see that we have only been a spoiler,

Whilst being called to be God's own vicar.

See the lies by the evil tempter,

Do not partake in the avocations of a sinner,

Lest we be disqualified by heaven's own sifter,

Repent oh repent my dear brothers and sisters.

Let us be Christ's own spotter,

The plans of the enemy we shall always sever,

Through faith in Christ our one true saviour,

And the power of the Holy Spirit as our daily skipper.

Wisdom

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply,
It is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time.

-Proverbs 16:23

Bersih 3.0

8am - The morning began with a rushed sense of excitement mixed with a tinge of fear for the things to come. What if I got arrested? What if this.. what if that... oh mum is going to kill me if she finds out.., but it was all drowned out by the fact that I was running slightly late to the meet up point.

9am - As we made our way through the Federal, I was quite astonished at the lack of traffic. I was expecting massive delays due to the predicted roadblocks and it really didn't help with the fact that almost all of  us (except me) were dressed in our yellow bersih T. Brandon even made a little bet that there wouldn't be any jams at all.

10am - Plan changed. We needed to move out from Sentral. We thought it'd be better to walk from Sentral to Kota Raya (one of the meet up points)

10.20am - A large group of  policemen formed a human line in which we were nonchalantly ask to go back where we came from. As we were figuring out a way to make it to through the barricade, the crowd grew. The people were clueless, as if waiting for someone to lead them out of their confusion. 

10.30am - Our little troupe's number began to grow steadily. As we were leading the way to an alternative route (through Brandon's gps), the numbers that followed us grew, it was at this point of time that I looked back and saw an endless stream of people with yellow shirts following from the back. I thought to myself, our little group made a difference today. Thank God for gps and guidance to clear routes!

11am - Loud and deafening cheers of "Bersih, Bersih, Hidup Bersih" greeted our eyes as we arrived at Petaling Street. It was a sight to behold, the people were united, regardless of race, religion or culture. My heart swelled with the pride of being a Malaysian.

12pm - Irritation set in as we were baked under the scorching hot weather in Central market. Multitudes began to gather in Central market which were one of the main meeting points. But.. I didn't want to stay there, I wanted to go to Dataran Merdeka! Isn't it the whole point?

12.15pm - We barely avoided a barricade of policemen who were barring the gathering crowd from entering the vicinity of Masjid Jamek. 

12.30pm - Our chances were not good. The police sealed off all roads leading to Dataran Merdeka with barbed wire. We sat and cheered under the hot scorching weather. 

2.50pm - The first few rounds of tear gas were fired. It was the end of the march. The crowds steadily pulled back to avoid being in the midst of the countless cannisters of tear gas fired at us. 

3pm - We were cornered. Tear gas all around us and a truck with dual water canons signalling impending doom. We had no choice, we braved through the road with the least tear gas. The burns to the face were painful. My eyes caught some of the tear gas and obviously as the name of the weapon suggested, most of us were choking, coughing with tears of pain running down our faces. I cried but it was manly tears alright.

3.45pm - We managed to escape the barrage of tear gas canisters as we sought refuge in the nearby Church. Truly God is good, He provided a way of escape for us. 

4pm - It was the end of the rally for us, we decided to call it a day but the rally was still ongoing with sound of the people chanting "Bersih Bersih" and also.. the sound of tear gas being fired upon them. We took a detour around petaling street to avoid the FRU. 

5pm - We arrived back in Sentral and the bunch of us went back to our respective homes. 

Being alive?

What is being alive to you? Pursuing your dreams and passions? Doing something you like? Being somewhere in a place you dreamed of going to?

I don't know about you, but what I know is that throughout these years, I've not been able to find any other satisfaction than being alive in Jesus. Sure we can pursue our interests and stuff, or even buy our favourite weapons and tools of mass distraction. But in the end of the day, they don't really give you a full wholesome feeling of fulfilment.

I guess my point in this post is the whole issue of being a watered down believer of Christ. I mean we are called to make disciples of all nations, being His light in the darkness of the world and a host of other things in our own circumstances. But to what extent do we fulfil these heavenly obligations? To what extend are we so entranced by the word-ly temptations and pleasures that we even forget what really matters the most. Are we serving Him with the best of our capabilities and time? Or are we blinded by the whole mushy side of God-will-understand so I can do whatever I want to do at this moment of time. Whose priorities come first? God's? Yours? Your family's? Your friends? Think about it. 

But friends, I'm not condemning you for this, in fact I am equally if not more guilty in these matters. I have come to comprehend this and it is probably not the first time I've realized it. The devil has his ways of blinding us in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives. BUT that gives us no reason to be complacent. It takes a little effort to know but a major effort to act. Knowledge is useless without Action. 

I just pray that you and I will be able to run this race and not be weary, to be able to say as Paul was able to say, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Whut?

You look past all the evidences,
You ridicule His supremeness,
You toy around with His people's reason or idea of happiness,
You poison the younger minds and bring them into darkness,
That is until.. you find yourself one day in the heat of the furnace.

Where is your hope now and that so called boldness?
With drops of tears streaming down your face which seemed countless,
Inside you wished that there was someone to save you from this helplessness,
But being stubborn you hold one to your prideful ideas that are baseless,
Looking down at the devil's evil grimace,

Hope is there even for the heartless,
Forget about those little quotes from Horace,
For there is a great and living God who is peerless,
Who suffered the wrath of mankind's sin and malice,
Initiated with a kiss from one of His disciples ever so treasonous,
He came to die on the cross even though He was blameless,
And He was resurrected for death could not hold His holiness,
His work on the cross was a gift to us which is so priceless,
Eternal life with the one and only Lord whose reign is endless,

Now do you see past your blindness?
Its fine, cause He's always there for you cause He is the one and only saviour, Jesus!





To be or not to be is not a reason for you to satiate your evil curiosity,

A lot more to do

A wise youth harvests in the summer but one who sleeps during harvests is a disgrace -Proverbs 10:5

Fantastic

Camp was good! A time of re-connecting with the younger ones, a time of prophetic visions, a time of discipline, and a time for permanent change :)

Future?

A conversation with a friend yesterday brought upon ideas for careers in which I have not imagined I would consider before. What career? Being an engineer in a ship that is. There's definitely pros and cons into going into that career path but is that what I really want to do? Of course the pay is super lucrative but you'd end up sailing a good 6 months without an option for a leave and that my friend is a very big sacrifice. Things you normally do like going to church on weekends, meeting up with ol' pals for a drink or a dinner or two, seeing my family and obviously missing out on how my nephews and nieces grow up, they'll all be gone.

I'll just have to see if there is a call for such a career.

Talking of careers, I wonder if I really want to go into the aeronautical field, opportunities for good future development and prospects are almost non-existent in Malaysia. What would you do in the pursuit of your dreams? Everything seems like a clutter at the moment and the last thing I would want to do is to get stuck in an office job.

I want an extraordinary life, no I'm not saying being rich in a monetary or property manner, rather I want to be rich in the experiences I have attained. I'd like to say that I've travelled the world and lived through many cultures. I'd like to be different.

But who doesn't want to be different?..

Sad isn't it? But I will not despair for I know that my God has plans to prosper not plans to harm and plans to give me a hope and future. I am confident that my God has even greater plans for me than I can even think of. I pray for continual strength and faith to believe! :)

Psalms 41:16-17

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.

May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout,"The LORD is great!"

As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.

You are my helper and my saviour.

O my God, do not delay.