Past & Present

So how has working been?

It's been about 3 months since I started out my job and these past few weeks has been an especially trying time for me in an emotional, social and spiritual sense. The whole phase of getting excited over starting a new step in my career was dying down on me which made me think that it's entirely normal for the majority of people working out there.

This "settling down" period scared me, I didn't believe in settling down for mediocrity especially with my high flying dreams and passions for my career. I was scared at the idea that one day, I would wake up dreading to go to work. I wanted to be constantly challenged at work, to encounter new things and experiences, to pave a way and lay the sturdiest foundations for my future. I demanded 110% from myself in work hours, to be as efficient as possible in doing all my tasks and to not miss a single thing, to not leave myself vulnerable to any possible mistakes at all in the work that I do, to learn all I can learn from any resource available to make myself better at this job.

All this left a heavy toll to my emotional and psychological well being. The feeling of wanting to be perfect in every job was born from the fact that I feared failures. To fear the future consequences and possibilities of failure. Next thing I knew, I was suffering from depression. It took me awhile to recognise this fact.

What was different in this period of time?

My outlook on life became more dim. I became alarmingly cynical of what people said and also what they did not say. I felt that people thought that all these "successful" things in my job made me a boastful person when I talk about it. I didn't feel like sharing these things any more cause it'd only make people spiteful right?
I didn't feel like talking about my job any more. Any queries to my job would be answered with the usual, "Yeah things are looking alright I guess".

Talking to God about these things made it momentarily fine, but the depression would just come flooding in again when I wake up. For the first time in awhile, I felt lonely.

It wasn't fun, it hurt. But being the egoistical man I am, I would never admit to such things. I mean c'mon, depression? depression are for pussies. Real men don't get depression.

But yeah, they do. I don't know what has changed for the past few days, but I'm getting better. In God's mercy and grace, I shall strive on.

This whole experience made me relate to the psalm 143 written by David.

Perhaps, all this experience is a fulfilment to the prayer of making me like David, a man after God's own heart.